I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
