just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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