there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
