You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
