you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
