I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
