We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
