I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
