Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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