Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
