It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
