Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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