I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
