Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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