my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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