If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
