You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
