I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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