he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
