you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
