I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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