My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
our cab driver is having phone sex.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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