The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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