2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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