can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
