looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
