What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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