I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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