i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
