you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
