if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
