this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
