I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
