shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish you could order shots online.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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