Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
