I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
