I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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