You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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