listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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