I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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