if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
