I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
