If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
