Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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