Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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