I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
