Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
