someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
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So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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