This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
