yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
