just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
