I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I forget how to act sober
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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