I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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