i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
