I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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