But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
