i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
