I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
