No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i would punch a child for taco bell
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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