I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
