Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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